I Don't Remember That!
by Paperleaf
Summary: Cartman gets knocked out and wakes up with amnesia, which of course creates a wondefully confusing mess among the guys. Completed'd :] It's really not as retarded as it sounds XD R&R?
1. Prologue: Frenchie

A/N: Hullo, everyone. This is the prologue to my new story n.n I've grown to love Cartman alot lately, so this story is centered around him... even though he'll be OOC for a bit after this o.o -cough-

I might make it in his POV in future chapters, but it would be tough. Let's just see how things pan out, shall we? xD

Enjoy :)

* * *

Prologue: Frenchie

"HAHAHAHA!"

"St-stop please, Eric…"

"Goddamn, Pip! Just when I think you couldn't get any faggier!"

From the side, Kenny rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. Couldn't his stupid best friend go a day without harassing someone?

"Hey, Kenny," Kyle said as he and Stan approached the scene in front of the High School.

"What's going on?" Stan asked, cocking his head.

"Ugh… the fat fuck is bullying Pip again…" Kenny replied tiredly. He ran a hand through his blonde hair, full of knots from being under his orange hood all day.

A crowd was gathering at the after school scene as Cartman towered over a cowering Pip.

"What are you gonna do, with your Frenchie haircut and your stupid Frenchie hat?" Cartman went on, grabbing Pips brown hat.

"Hey! Give that back!" Pip said, grabbing at Cartman's hand.

Cartman lifted the hat high above Pips head. A crow cawed in the cold February air from a tree, as if laughing. "Or what, you'll throw a scone at me?" Cartman laughed at his own joke.

"Goddamnit!" Kyle said angrily from the sidelines. "Why does that stupid fatass always get away with this crap? Where is-"

"Eric… stop what you're doing at once!" came a high pitched voice from behind Craig and Clyde on the other side of the crowd.

"Eh?" was Cartman's lame response. He still had Pips hat high in the air while the poor English boy glanced around, embarrassed.

Damien emerged from the crowd. "I said, stop immediately or you're in a world of _pain_!" came Damien's usual threats. His face was heavy with make up and his clothes were blacker than the Goth kids'.

Cartman smirked. "Oh, please. The only pain you can duke out is with a mascara brush," he taunted.

Kenny widened his eyes. "Uh, dude, I wouldn't do that if I were you," he called to his fat friend.

"Or what?" Cartman called back, while Damien grew angrier.

His shoulder length jet-black hair quivered in the chilly breeze. "Listen to your friend, infidel!" said Damien. He lifted his hands high above his head and a large rock in front of him suddenly lurched unsteadily into the air. Kids around him yelled and ran out of the way.

"Christ, dude!" Stan cried, as he nervously toyed with his eyebrow ring. "Just give the kid his hat back, Cartman!"

"No! Frenchie likes his new gay haircut so much, he should show it off!" Cartman yelled.

Pip had tears in his eyes now. "P-please, Eric... I'll buy you something for tomorrow if you give my hat back!" Pip said quietly.

"Don't negotiate with that asshole, Pip!" Damien said, with the rock still hovering in front of him. "Give my friends hat back NOW!" Damien shouted.

Cartman swallowed hard, but recovered and cast a smug look at Damien. "You think your little boyfriend looks cuter with it on, do you? What are you gonna do if I give it back, take him to your Satanic cesspool of a home and fuck his French brains out?"

Gasps were heard in the crowd. Cartman gripped the hat tighter as he realized that may not have been the best idea.

Damien's eyes glowed red. "DIE!" he shouted, and the thick rock came hurling towards Cartman fast.

"Cartman!!" Kenny yelled.

"Oh my God!"

"CARTMAN! MOVE!"

But Cartman didn't move. He stood, gaping at the rock heading towards his face.

"Oh, lame," were the last words that Cartman said that month.

* * *

A/N: Lol, Damiens a badass. :o 

Remember, I need reviews to make the story LIVE! D: Feed a dying writer, will you?  
:3


	2. Wtf Are Cheesy Poofs?

A/N: Next chapter, yey! I've been planning out the storyline and I think it's gonna be pretty amusing XD

Sorry if the way I wrote the chapter seems a little weird (maybe it's just all in my head o.o) but I'm just so used to writing in first person POV that any other is a little more of a challenge. n.n;; heh.

anyways enjoy!

* * *

Wtf Are Cheesy Poofs?

_Tick…tick… tick…_

In the small hospital room, a husky brown haired teen stirred under his sheets. The sound of a ticking clock was the first thing he'd heard for… for a while. Slowly, he parted his eyes so slightly, taking in light for the first time in weeks.

Was he dead, or something? He heard voices faintly in the background.

Where… was he?

"…fill up on fudge pops…"

"…can't wait to… …soda pop and…"

His head started to ache a bit. He shut his eyes tight and let out a low groan without being aware of it. Why were the voices talking so fast?

"…waking up? Poopy? Honeykins?"

The boy almost lifted an eyebrow and slowly gazed over to a gushing brunette to his side. She looked kind enough.

"Oh, Eric! You're awake!" The woman embraced him and his awareness was suddenly sharpened. He opened his eyes wider, blinking many times. His surroundings flooded his mind like a tidal wave. There was the brunette hugging him, two teenaged boys, and a man in white walking into the room.

The woman finally released him and he stared blankly at her. It was safe to say this woman was nice- strange, but nice.

He looked to his left and saw a huge assortment of sweet looking things. They looked pretty good, he decided. His mind was taking in so much…

"Wow, Cartman! You're awake! How do you feel?" The black haired teen asked.

He turned and looked at the boy thoughtfully. He was wearing a lot of black, and had a piercing in his eyebrow. He looked kind of threatening.

Then he focused on what the teen said. Cartman? But, that woman had called him Eric.

"Is it Eric, or Cartman?" the boy finally said.

They all stood with a weird look on their faces for a moment. "What do you mean, sweetums?" the woman asked kindly.

"I mean, _you_ called me Eric. But that person called me Cartman. Which one is… my name?" he clarified.

Quiet followed once again until another teenaged boy entered the room with a Styrofoam cup of water and what appeared to be many packets of… sugar. His face brightened when he saw that the brunette was awake.

"Cartman! Dude, you're alive! I'm so relieved!" the blonde said happily.

This time he successfully raised an eyebrow and took notice how simple the blonde's attire was. He had on an orange hooded sweater, which was unzipped, and exposed a bare chest. Kind of trashy looking, but not threatening. The teen looked pretty laid back.

"Huh, how unexpected," the man in white said. "He may have a slight case of amnesia by the sounds of it, but he might just be coming to after such a long coma... I'll be back in a moment," the man finished, and he quickly left the room.

"Amnesia?" the blonde said, glancing at the other two teens.

The young adult in the bed swallowed and clutched his bedspread as he stared at the four strangers staring back at him curiously.

"Can someone answer me? I just want to know my name!" he said in a frantic voice.

'Well, it's both. I mean, you're Eric Cartman. That's your whole name," said the last one to talk; the red head. He stared at the boy- Eric, with emerald green eyes, and had thick wavy locks that went past his ears. They looked tampered with, as if that wasn't his natural hairstyle. He looked the most normal, with a brown hooded sweater zipped up and a scholarly shoulder bag. Eric decided he liked him the most. At least he answered him.

"Oh. Thank you, uhh…" Eric trailed off, feeling dumb.

"Oh, uh, sorry. Um, it- it's Kyle," the red head said, rubbing the back of his neck. "You… don't remember me?" he said curiously.

Eric furrowed his brow and tried, but came up with nothing. Was this guy his friend…?

"Sorry," he finally said.

"No, don't be sorry!" Kyle said quickly, glancing at the black haired teen.

The raven haired boy looked from Kyle to Eric, with chilling blue eyes. "Wow, I've never heard you say sorry to Kyle before," the boy said on cue.

Eric blinked. What did that mean?

"What's your name?" Eric asked.

"Stan… Marsh. Stan Marsh," he repeated.

Eric raised an eyebrow. It's not like he didn't hear him the first time.

"Oh," he said. "And the blonde?"

The blonde looked sad. "Kenny," he said. "I'm your best friend!"

Eric raised both his eyebrows now. So he was for sure a friend. Apparently there was a likeable person behind that shabby appearance.

"And I'm Mommy, Sweetheart! Oh, muffin! I wish you could remember me!" the woman next to him said, embracing him again.

Feeling a tad uncomfortable, Eric patted the woman's shoulder while eyeing up the guys. Kyle and Stan were talking hurriedly, and Kenny was still looking at him.

He was so confused. Why couldn't he remember these people?

"Well, I'm back," said the man in white as he re-entered the room. "It looks here that you had quite the blow to the head, son," he said. "A large rock was driven into the left side of your head at strangely high speed about three weeks ago. How odd…" the man finished lamely.

Eric opened his mouth, offended. "What! That's so… wrong! Who would do that to me?" he asked, sounding upset.

Stan and Kyle widened their eyes. Kenny snickered.

Eric glared at him. So much for being a best friend!

"Oh, hon. It's okay! Just have some Cheesy Poofs and feel better!" said Ms. Cartman.

"What are Cheesy Poofs?" Eric asked slowly.

Everyone gasped.

"What?" he asked. "What'd I do?"

"Wow, this _is_ bad!" the strange man said. "I think it's fair to say we should leave the boy alone for a while. Would you like that?" he asked.

Eric's mind was spinning. "Ye- yeah… for a while…" he said, looking down.

"Alright, dude. Well, uh… feel better," Kyle said.

Eric smiled at him in response.

"Yeah. See you soon," Stan said, walking with Kyle out of the room.

"I'll come back in a little while, Poopy! I love you!" Ms. Cartman said, which was followed by another snicker from the blonde. It irked Eric a bit.

"Dude… you really don't remember anything?" Kenny said, walking towards Eric's bed.

"No… well, I don't remember any of you. I'm sorry," he apologized again. "Are those other guys my friends as well?"

Kenny grinned. "You could say that. What did you think of Kyle?"

Eric thought. "He seemed really nice. I liked him more than that Goth kid."

Kenny really cracked up at that. "Stan's not Goth!" he said, smiling. "Fuck dude, you need to get your memory back. I'll come back tomorrow, buddy. I hope they'll let you go when I come by," he said, and with a light punch to Eric's arm, the weird blonde left the room to Eric and his thoughts.

"God… what the hell?" Eric said aloud. He looked back over to the pile of sweets to his left. He raised an eyebrow and eyed up a box of what looked like… chocolate guns? What a violent sounding snack.

Reaching over, the teen slowly lifted the box towards him and opened it. He pulled out one of the odd confections and took a bite.

It wasn't that great.

* * *

A/N: Cartman not loving chocolate guns? xD That won't be the weirdest thing that happens. 

Things will pick up next chapter when Cartman leaves the hospital. x3 Pleaaase review, guys! -heart-

I'm gonna go watch Team America for the first time now. :o


	3. Off To Raisins!

A/N: I didn't realise how hard it would be to make Cartman so... un-asshole-ish. XD The whole balance of the group will be thrown off by it!

:O GUARANTEED.

anyways, enjoy. :D

* * *

Off To Raisins!

"Hi, asshole!" Kenny said, as he strode into Cartman's hospital room. He had another Styrofoam cup full of water in hand, with packets of salt and cocoa mix jutting out of his orange hoodie's pockets.

Eric… Cartman… whoever he was, made a face at his 'friend'. "Hey, Kenny…" he said. He cleared a couple of candy wrappers off his bed and ran a hand through his hair.

Kenny frowned. "Sorry, dude. I forgot you're not used to the way we used to talk to each other yet. How are you?" Kenny said, in a much more concerned tone.

"It's fine," Cartman said, stretching his neck from side to side. "I just feel kinda stiff… I've been in this damn bed for so long!" he complained. He was sick of having nothing but sugary food available to him, too. After having food fed to him through a tube for nearly a month he wanted a real meal.

"Yeah, I know! When the fuck do you get out of this place?" Kenny asked, looking around.

Cartman blinked. "I don't know, I haven't even asked," he said. He pushed a button above his head to alert the nurse, and after a moment she came into his room.

"Can I help you?" she asked kindly.

"Yes, I was wondering when the hell I get out of this craphole," Cartman said bluntly. Kenny grinned wider than ever- that sounded like Cartman all right.

"Oh… I'm not sure of that. I'll get you your doctor," the nurse said, and hurried away.

Kenny's eyes lingered at the doorway. "Nice ass on that nurse, huh?" he asked his bed ridden friend with a smile.

Cartman raised an eyebrow. "Uh, I guess so," he said. Kenny's spirits sank slightly.

"That'll be sweet if I get out of here today," Cartman said. "What are we gonna do if I do? Go hang at your place, or something?"

Kenny looked away. "We never hang at my place. It's a dump," he said.

"Oh …" Cartman said. "Well, lets just get something to eat, the two of us then," he finished, trying to pull a finger through his tangled brown hair.

Kenny swallowed. "Sure, we can do that. I won't be getting much. I don't have any money," he said in a melancholy tone.

"Really? That's… lame," Cartman said. Kenny smiled. "Well, it looks like I have a lot of cash left here from worried relatives… or someone," Cartman said, poking at the gifts to his left. "I'll buy you something."

Kenny's eyes widened twice their size. "You're gonna buy me food?" he asked.

Cartman blinked. "Uh, why not?" he said.

Kenny smiled again. "Never mind! Where the hell is that doctor?" he said, looking at the doorway.

A moment later, the doctor walked into the room. "Good afternoon, Eric! How are you feeling today?" he asked in a polite manner.

"Good. Great, actually! When can I leave?" Cartman asked.

"Leave? You mean, you want to go without regaining your memory? Won't it be a little… tough for you to be around everyone who knows you as you once were?" the doctor said.

Cartman fidgeted in bed. Was he _that_ much of a character to everyone? How the hell did he use to act around people?

"Yeah, I wanna leave. I'm sick of this room!" he said.

"Can he go?" Kenny asked.

"Not just yet," the doctor said. "Your mother is coming by again soon, and she can choose to bring you home or leave you here a little longer. We need her to sign some things as well."

The two teens sighed.

"That's fine, you just gotta wait a few more hours," Kenny said. "Your mom will let you out."

"How do you know?" Cartman asked.

Kenny blinked at him. "Well, you always get your way with your mom," Kenny said.

"I do? Sweet!" Cartman said. Kenny sighed again.

"Yeah. Hopefully taking you to Raisins will jog your memory. I've decided that's where we're going to eat," Kenny said with a grin.

"Oh, cool. What's so great about that place?" Cartman said.

Kenny continued smiling. "You'll see!"

After another hour or so of watching TV and ordering Jello and other hospital food for Kenny, Ms. Cartman knocked at the doorframe.

"Honey? Are you up?" she asked, peeking in. "Oh, sweetums! How do you feel?" she asked, walking towards his bed.

"Awesome!" Cartman said. "I think I'm ready to leave."

"Oh, hon. Are you sure? Do you remember anything new since yesterday?" she asked.

Kenny looked nervously at Cartman.

"Uh, well, kinda yeah. Kenny want's to take me somewhere to eat muumm! I want to leeeavvee!" Cartman said in his whiny voice.

Kenny smiled at looked at Cartman's mom. "So he can go?" he said excitedly.

Ms. Cartman looked hesitant. "Well, if you're sure you're feeling alright… I'll go talk with the doctor," she said, leaving the room.

"Woohoo! Get out of bed, fat boy!" Kenny said, throwing Cartman his hat.

Cartman scowled at the blonde.

---

A few hours later, the two friends were walking through town, Kenny pointing out some places where they usually went. Ms. Cartman had gone home with all of Cartman's gifts and belongings.

"And this is Jimbo's Gun store. Jimbo is Stan's uncle. He left a gun unattended on the counter once and you shot me in the head," Kenny said.

"What?!" Cartman cried, looking at Kenny. Wouldn't that have killed him?

"And that's the Tweek Bros. Coffee Shop. Their coffee isn't that great but it's the only coffee place we have in town." Kenny said, pointing to the brown building.

As Cartman examined the small store, a skinny teen came out of the door, saying something to a man inside and shaking quite a bit. He had a cup of coffee in his shaky hand and had messy blonde hair that was brighter than Kenny's.

"Oh, that's Tweek! Hey Tweek! Look whose back!" Kenny yelled, making the jittery boy jump and look towards him.

"Oh, Jesus! Cartman's out?!" Tweek called back, as Cartman and Kenny made their way towards him.

As the two walked over, Cartman looked up at a crow cawing on a streetlight. He furrowed his brow and toyed with the yellow ball on his hat. Deja-vu, or something.

"Yeah! Well, he's not totally back," Kenny said. "What do you think of Tweek, Cartman?" Kenny asked, smiling widely. This was a bit too much fun for him.

Cartman stared at the boy nervously. "I think he needs to take a sedative with that coffee," Cartman said.

Kenny laughed.

"Urgh!" Tweek said, twitching. "Fuck you, Cartman!"

Cartman raised his hands in defense. "Jeez, I was kidding! Take a pill! Literally," he said.

Tweek blinked and cocked his head. "Kidding?"

"Yeah, it's just, well you're so jittery. What's the matter with you?" Cartman asked.

Tweek looked confused. "What the hells wrong with him, Kenny?!" Tweek asked the other blonde in a frantic voice.

"He has amnesia!" Kenny let out. "Weird huh?"

Cartman looked down. Kenny was treating him like a freak.

Kyle probably wouldn't treat him like this!

"Oh my God!" Tweek said. "Damien will be so -ngh- relieved!"

Cartman furrowed his brow. "Who's Damien?" he asked.

Kenny darted his eyes to Cartman and started pulling him away. "Eheh, well, Cartman and I have a lot to do, dude! I'll see you tomorrow at school!" Kenny said quickly, waving goodbye to the shaking teen.

Cartman's patience was wearing low. "Who the hell's Damien?" he asked again.

"He's just… well; actually… he's the guy that put you in the coma…" Kenny admitted.

"What?! So, that's the dilhole that made me a vegetable for almost a month? Cartman yelled.

"Heh, yeah…" Kenny said, grinning.

Cartman was sure getting sick of this guy.

"So what are you gonna do to him?" Kenny asked, still smiling.

"I'm gonna ask him why he would do something so _mean!_"

Kenny stopped in his tracks. Cartman stopped after a few steps and turned to him. "What?" he asked.

"Ask him… why he did something so mean?" Kenny repeated. He smacked a hand to his face. "Dude, you called him a satanic ass rammer before he knocked you out!"

Cartman widened his eyes. "What?! I- I didn't! I wouldn't do something like that!" he said, backing up. His head was hurting again. "You're a fucking liar!"

"Cartman!" Kenny said, walking towards his friend and outstretching an arm. "Calm down! I'm sorry!"

Cartman squeezed his eyes shut and let gravity take over his body. Everything went dark.

---

"...was freaking out?"

"…R-tard! What did you do that…"

"…know! How the hell…"

Cartman sighed inwardly at the familiar voices arguing. Actually, they were some of the only voices he knew at the moment. He opened his eyes to three teenagers standing before him on the sidewalk.

"His mom is gonna be so- Cartman!" Kyle said, surprised.

Cartman smiled. He was happy to see that red-headed kid again.

"Oh dude, I'm so glad you came to! I was freaking out!" Kenny said, kneeling next to the tall brunette.

"Ugh… Goddamnit…" Cartman said, rubbing his head. "Where'd they come from?" he asked, gesturing towards Stan and Kyle.

"I texted them and asked if they would come by here so we could try to carry you home, but you're awake now," Kenny said. "We should all go to Raisins together!" he said to the other guys while standing up.

Cartman steadied himself with the building to his left and stood up as well, not bothering to ask what texting was.

"Why are you guys going to Raisins?" Kyle asked.

"Because it's awesome!" Kenny said. "Cartman needs to go to places he's been before to try and jog his memory. Don't you remember how much he loved going there?"

"Of course," Stan said, grinning and rolling his eyes. "The girls _had_ to be nice to him there."

Cartman glared at Stan. Why were these guys so rude to him?

"Well, I dunno, I have an English paper to hand in tomorrow…" Kyle said, rubbing his arm.

"Oh, stop being a homo and come with us dude!" Kenny said. He and Stan started walking and left Cartman and Kyle to follow.

Cartman looked at Kyle, who gave him a weird look in response. "Come on, Kahl. I'd feel better if you came along," Cartman said.

Kyle widened his eyes and raised his eyebrows. "You want me to come? You… really?" he asked, sounding utterly dumbfounded.

"Hell's yeah dude! You're the only one I like right nyao," Cartman said.

Kyle ran a hand through his red hair and glanced towards Kenny and Stan, who were still walking. "Uh, alright fa- I mean, C-Cartman. I'll go."

* * *

A/N: Cartman doesn't hate Kyle? What could this mean? Will this change when he finds out Kyles a Jew? XD 

All this and more... probably tomorrow sometime. :B

Btw, Team America was fudging awesome. xD


	4. The Lunch

A/N: Thank you guys for the reviews! It's what keeps me writting :3 Well, that and crappy bottled Starbucks Frappucino. XD

The whole group dynamics will start to get thrown off in this chapter, and things will get interesting 8D yey.

Enjoy!

* * *

The Lunch

"Welcome to Raisins, you guys!" sang the well-endowed Raisins girl. "Table for four?"

"Yep!" Kenny said happily. "Well, here we are dude! Do you remember any of this?" Kenny said to Cartman. As the blonde waitress led them to a table near a window, Cartman darted his eyes around the room. He'd thought it would be like, an organic fruit store or something. Nothing like this!

He stopped for a moment while his three friends got seated. Cartman peered at a certain brown-haired customer, who was red in the face and laughing along with one of the waitresses. He wasn't skinny like most of the guys he'd seen his age, but he wasn't fat either. He looked so familiar…

Suddenly the teen looked over and noticed Cartman staring at him. "Cartman! Dude! You're outta the hospital!" he called, as he left his seat and made his way over. A black haired kid who was sitting next to the brunette looked up from the table, shot him a worried look and gave him the finger to his back.

"Oh, uh… yeah…" Cartman said, thinking fast. Goddamn, where did he know this kid from?!

The kid looked at Cartman funny. "Well, how have you been? Did you just get out today?" he asked.

"Ye- yeah, just a few hours ago actually. So uh, how have _you_ been?" Cartman asked almost sweetly.

The kid raised both eyebrows. "Wow. They might have let you out a little early, fatass. You're not sounding like yourself!"

Cartman gave him an angry look while the black-haired kid came over and stood next to his friend. "Aye! I'm pretty fucking sick of everyone calling me fat!" Cartman retorted.

"Cartman! You're alive. When'd you get out, lard ass?" the other kid asked.

"Goddamnit!" Cartman said louder.

"Dude, what the hell?" Kenny said, walking towards the scene. "Oh, hey Clyde, hey Craig," he said, nodding to each teen casually. Cartman took note of the order he greeted each of them. "Dude, do you know who they are?" Kenny asked happily.

"Well I thought I recognized shit-head here but now I wish I didn't!" Cartman replied angrily.

"What the hell's going on, Ken?" Clyde said curiously, putting his hands in his red hoodie's pockets. Craig glanced over towards where the other boys were seated and gave them the finger, grinning.

"Well, Cartman here has amnesia. He was supposed to stay at the hospital until he went back to normal but I persuaded his mom to let him out early!" Kenny said, smiling.

"Ohh! That's why he's acting so weird!" Clyde said. "Sorry, man!" he went on, slapping a hand to Cartman's shoulder.

Cartman nodded and rubbed his head. This sucked…

Kenny continued talking to the two while Cartman made his way to the table where Stan and Kyle were seated and slumped down across from them.

Kyle turned from his conversation with Stan to look at the depressed teen. "Why the long face lar- I mean, Cartman?" he said. Stan greeted one of the waitresses and started talking with her.

"I just wish I could remember everything!" Cartman said exasperatedly. "This is stressing me out, you guys. I'm so seriously…"

Kyle slowly grinned at the usual words of his annoying friend. "I wouldn't worry too much, uh, dude…" he said awkwardly. He wasn't used to talking normally to Cartman or speaking to him without using the words 'fat' or 'sack of shit'. "I'm sure your memory will come back soon," he said, wondering if he even wanted that to happen.

Cartman smiled back. "Thanks, Kahl. I'm glad I have a cool friend like you who isn't an asshole and keeps calling meh FAT!" he yelled the latter towards Kenny, who looked over and stuck out his tongue while he continued talking to Clyde. Kyle laughed.

"Dude, you want the mozza sticks right?" Stan quickly asked Kyle. The waitress looked at Kyle with a pad and pen in hand.

"Oh, uh, yeah," Kyle said distractedly. "So why did you start talking to Clyde, Cartman? Did you recognize him?"

"Well, I guess so. It's like, here me out right nyao. Like, say he was curly fries, and, like, he's behind a door. Well- follow me here- I could like, smell him, but not see who he really was, you get me?" Cartman tried to explain stupidly.

Kyle rolled his eyes and smiled. "Sure."

"Hey guys," Kenny said, finally joining them again. "Hi Mercedes! Large grape soda and a double cheese burger! You're still paying for me, right dude?" Kenny asked, nudging Cartman.

"Oh, yeah. I said I would," Cartman said. "What should I get?"

All three boys stared at him. "Dude. You've _never_ had a problem ordering anything here. Are you sure you're okay?" Stan asked.

Cartman frowned at him. "Well, what do I usually get?"

"Well, you usually get a lot of stuff," Kyle said. "You liked the Zingy Tingy wings, though. And you always got a pitcher of lemonade," he finished, grinning at Kenny.

"Oh. I'll get that, then," Cartman said to Mercedes.

"And I'll just get fries" Kyle said.

"Super! I'll be back soon, guys!" Mercedes said, winking at Stan.

"Why'd you only get fries, Kahl?" Cartman asked.

"I don't like meat that much," Kyle replied, looking out the window.

"Oh, that's kewl." Cartman replied. Kyle smiled.

"Sounds insane to me," Kenny said. "Must be a Jewish thing," he said casually, quickly looking at Cartman after.

Cartman raised his eyebrows thoughtfully at Kyle, who was staring daggers at Kenny. "Oh, I think I knew that! You have a Jew fro too, right?" Cartman said, smiling. "That's why your hair looks so styled down, because it _is!_"

Kyle continued glaring at Kenny, while Stan laughed. "Thanks a lot Kenny!"

"What?" Kenny said with a grin. "He would have found out sooner or later!"

Cartman looked confused. "Why the douche would I care if he's a Jew or not?"

Stan choked on his water while Kenny and Kyle's mouths dropped open.

"You don't… care… that I'm JEWISH?" Kyle cried.

Cartman gave a worried glance around the table. "Well why the fuck would I?" he said after a moment.

The other three boys gave each other strange looks. Cartman seemed to remember some things, but not others for some reason. Was he going to be changed forever?

---

After lunch, Stan, Kyle and Cartman left the restaurant and stood outside while Kenny said goodbye to some of the girls.

"That was pretty good, you guys! This place isn't bad," Cartman said, looking up at the clouds.

"Not bad? You use to love the food here," Stan said. "I thought fat couldn't forget things like that!" he finished, grinning and looking at Kyle.

Kyle looked at Cartman's unimpressed expression and looked down, kicking a pebble. "Come on, Stan. With being fed from a tube for almost a month, he at least lost _some_ weight…" Kyle said quietly. It felt so unnatural sticking up for Cartman.

Cartman grinned smugly at Stan while the dark-haired boy gave his best friend a disbelieving look. "Dude!"

"What, you stupid Goth?" Cartman shot back. "Surprised someone doesn't want to call me fat for no damn reason?"

"Shut up, fatass! I'm not Goth!" Stan retorted.

Cartman crossed his arms and looked away. "You should come over to my house _alone_, Kahl. I have an assload of candy we can share."

Stan stared at his best friend and crossed his arms too.

"Uh… well…" Kyle muttered, looking back and forth between the two. Cartman was actually being… _nice_ to him. Not just decent, but actually _nice_. He'd never been faced with this problem before!

Kenny finally joined the guys, with a bright pink kiss planted on his cheek. "So what do you guys wanna do now?" he said, noticing quickly the tension between his three friends. "What's going on?"

"Well, Kahl? Do you want to or not?" Cartman said, ignoring Kenny.

"Uh…" Kyle said, looking down.

"Oh, go ahead Kyle! God, someone you once hated gives you a fucking compliment and you turn to goo! Come on, Kenny," Stan said, gesturing towards Kenny and taking a few steps. "How about we go watch Terrance and Phillip at my place? You assholes can call us when everything's back to normal!" he finished, walking away.

"God, someone sure has sand up her vagina, doesn't she?" Cartman yelled at Stan.

"Oh, come _on!_" he yelled back.

With an extremely confused look, Kenny ran a few steps after his angry friend and looked back. "You guys call us later and we'll talk, kay?" he called casually, and continued on with Stan.

Cartman and Kyle were left standing in front of Raisins.

"What did that asshole mean, 'once hated?'" Cartman asked.

Kyle looked up. "It-it's not that. It's… well, you always used to rip on me for being Jewish, and you'd always lie, and try to piss me off and all kinds of shit. I always wanted to believe there was some good in you, I dunno… because that's the kind of person I am. I'm just happy to see you the way you are," he went on, rubbing his arm. "Hell, who knows, maybe you can remember your past and stay this way, too!"

Cartman stared back at the Jew with his mouth slightly gaping. "Goddamn, I… I used to be a real… asshole... like, seriously?" he stepped back, looking down. His head ached once again. How could this be? How could he not remember his own _personality?_ What was… who…

"Fuck…" Cartman said, crashing against a fence nearby and groaning.

"Cartman!" Kyle said, jogging over and holding up his large friend. "Maybe I shouldn't have told you that all right away. I'm sorry, let's just forget that and go to your place for now, okay? Don't worry about anything," he reassured, slinging Cartman's arm around him and guiding him towards the brunette's house. Both boys' heads raced with confusion as they made their way.

* * *

A/N: Oh teh noes! Cartman favors Kyle over everyone else? Did Stan have a twinge of jealousy in his words? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? 

...I really gotta stop doing that...

anyways, it's 5 AM now so I'm gonna go get some fucking sleep xD

All reviews are loved, my friends!


	5. Many Maniacal Plans

A/N: LOL. I can honestly say this is my favorite chapter so far. I think I have to change one of the catagories to humor. xD

AND IT'S GON GET BETTER TOO.

So read and review! (no rhyming intended)

I think I better stop drinking those Frappuccinos...

* * *

Many Maniacal Plans

"So uh, what was _that_ all about, Stan?" Kenny asked as the two friends made their way through the town. He pulled out a packet of cocoa he took from the hospital earlier and poured it in his mouth.

Stan sighed and stared at the sidewalk. "I dunno. I just… don't like the way things are going with Cartman's memory being shot and everything. I'm afraid of… Kyle getting hurt when Cartman returns to normal," he decided, rubbing the back of his neck. "You know how he reacts when Cartman acts nice towards him for a while, and then stabs him in the back right? Well, I just- want Cartman back to normal before anything changes!"

"Oh!" Kenny said, apparently getting Stan's confusing point. He swallowed and looked up thoughtfully. "I guess you're right, they're both gonna get fucked up if this carries on past today," he said, matter-of-factly. "And I really miss the way Cartman was! Craig can only fill up the void in me that Cartman's cruel sense of humor used to fill for so long... you know, not for that to sound totally gay or something." Kenny finished with his stupid perverted smile.

Stan smiled back at the blonde. "So we gotta make a plan to get Cartman's memory back faster, kay?" And make sure Kyle won't get stolen away by Nice Cartman...

Kenny grinned back. "Fuck yeah!"

---

"HAHAHAHAH!"

"Hahaha! Oh, Jesus, oh man! I used to watch some pretty awesome stuff!" Cartman said, sprawling out on his couch for the first time in weeks. Some part of him knew he missed _that_, at least.

Kyle was wiping a tear from his eye from laughing so hard. "I never knew you did! It's kinda dorky you recorded so much of this retarded show, though," Kyle said towards Cartman, laughter lingering in his voice. "I guess that's what you did whenever you weren't with me and the guys, you dork," he joked.

"Ha ha," Cartman said sarcastically with a half grin. "Well I don't even remember any of that, asshole."

Kyle's composure returned and he smoothed his hair. "Yeah, I guess so." His mind was busy with thoughts.

"Want another chocolate gun?" Cartman asked, dangling one in the air.

"Yes!" Kyle said, catching the sugary treat when Cartman threw it. "I still can't believe you don't remember loving these! You have the weirdest amnesia ever!"

"I didn't know you could _have_ weird amnesia."

Kyle laughed again, taking a bite of chocolate. "So, are you going to come to school tomorrow?" It felt so nice to be able to talk to Cartman like a normal friend instead of an enemy.

Cartman started tearing apart a candy wrapper boredly. "Well, I guess so. It won't be so bad if I have you around telling me about stuff."

"Poopykins!" sang Ms. Cartman from the kitchen. "Time for little Kyle to go home, it's bed time soon!" Kyle lifted his eyebrows curiously at such an order for a sixteen year old.

"Aw!" Cartman called, but didn't protest the demand like he used to. Kyle smiled reassuringly as he stood up and his tall friend walked him to the door.

"So… I can count on you tomorrow?" Cartman asked at the door. He sounded so helpless.

"Yeah… don't worry about it, I'll take care of everything," Kyle said, smiling. Cartman smiled back and shut the door as Kyle made his way down the steps. He continued grinning to himself as he walked down the block, breathing in the chilly air. He was going to do it. Finally. He was going to make Cartman a civil human being. He knew he could do it. After so long, Cartman was going to finally be normal!

---

The next morning, Stan and Kenny were standing alone at the bus stop.

"Where the hell are they?" Stan asked Kenny as he looked at his watch. "They're gonna miss the bus!"

Just then, both teens turned as the sound of laughter rang from the trees. Stan raised an eyebrow as Kyle and Cartman emerged, laughing about… _something_.

"…and then Flake cloned himself in the machine right after, and his clone came out with an ass on his stomach!" Cartman said between laughs.

Kyle continued laughing hard as Cartman told the retarded story. "Oh- my God! I wish I could have stayed longer to watch that one!" Kyle said, wandering over to Stan. "Hey Stan," he said casually.

Stan continued to raise his eyebrow. "Uh, hi…"

Kenny smiled as Cartman took his position next to him. "Hey asshole! How're you feeling today?" Kenny asked, slapping Cartman on the back.

"Uh, pretty good," Cartman said. When Kenny rolled his eyes and turned to Kyle, Cartman suddenly jerked his attention upwards. Something deep inside his brain stirred as he heard a crow caw on the power line above him.

"...w_hat, you'll throw a scone at me?"_

Cartman widened his eyes and quickly closed them, grabbed both sides of his head. "Ahhnnn!!" he groaned, kneeling over.

"Holy fuck! Cartman!" Kenny said. He and Kyle rushed to help straighten him up while Stan walked over, concern on his face.

"Cartman! Dude, are you okay?" Kyle said worriedly.

"Oh, Goddamn…" Cartman breathed. What the hell was _that_ about?! Those fucking crows were driving him insane! "Son of a bitch crow!" Cartman yelled upwards, scaring the crow away.

Kenny furrowed his brow. "Uh, okay… are you sure you want to come to school today?" he asked.

Cartman blinked a few times and took a deep breath. "Y-yeah… I'm fine now. I just- never mind…" he said, thinking of the random words that flashed through his mind. Was that a… memory? A real memory of his?

"You sure, man?" Kyle asked. "I'll take you back to your house if you want," he offered, placing a hand on Cartman's shoulder. Stan frowned.

"No, really," Cartman said, smiling at Kyle. "Just make sure you stick with me today, dude."

"No problem. I said I would," Kyle said, more calmly.

"Wait, why?" Stan asked.

"Because I need a good friend to help me today!" Cartman said.

"Ha! Good friend my balls!" Stan shot back.

"Stan, shut up!" Kyle said. He hadn't told Stan his plan to ease Cartman into being a good person yet. Stan blinked at his friends harsh words, with a hurt look on his face.

"Oh, calm down you faggots," Kenny said. "Cartman, _I_ was gonna help you out today. Me and Stan think we should keep things as normal as possible so your memories return sooner. And you and I used to do a lot of things together," Kenny said, slowly grinning. "Non sexual, of course."

"Oh God, Kenny!" Kyle said, rolling his eyes. "Cartman asked me to help him out today. So let's just stick to the plan…" Kyle said, when he really was thinking about _his_ plan. Kenny gave Kyle a weird look.

"Well do you even want us _around,_ then?" Stan asked sourly, before his face lit up. Time to put his and Kenny's plan into action. "You know, uh, like that time that both of you joined that David Blaine cult and you wouldn't even talk to me?"

Cartman, obviously flustered as hell, blinked at Stan and Kyle furrowed his brow. "What the hell are you bringing _that_ up for?" Kyle asked, genuinely curious.

"I'm just thinking of time's you guys actually spent time together," Stan continued awkwardly. "You know, like when you both tried to bike to Los Angeles and get that episode of Family Guy taken off the air?"

Cartman blinked a few more times and lowered his head, which was pounding by now. He felt like a balloon was about to burst in his mind.

"Stan, knock it off! You're freaking him out!" Kyle said angrily.

Cartman backed up, steadying himself against a tree. "You guys… I, appreciate what you're doing…" he mumbled, not knowing what the three teens were actually _doing_ exactly, "but I just want today to be casual, not worry about memories, and…"

"Get on the fucking bus!" an angry, messy haired lady yelled from a bright yellow school bus. The boys jolted their attention to her. Apparently the bus had pulled up while the boys were arguing.

"Yes ma'am!" Kenny said, leading the boys over. Cartman sighed and followed. He stared at the unpleasant woman as he waited for the guys to get on the bus.

"Who the crap is that?" Cartman asked Kyle as he boarded.

"Ms. Crabtree," Kyle said. "She started driving the high school bus four months-"

"Sit down and shut up!" She yelled at the four of them. Stan and Kenny scrambled down the aisle.

"Jesus! alright already, you stupid wench…" Cartman muttered angrily. He had enough problems without this bitch adding to them.

"Whut did you say?" She asked Cartman.

Cartman swallowed. Uh oh. "I- I said that... Cupid is French?"

"Oh," she said. "Well, yes, I suppose he is."

Cartman sighed and sat stiffly next to Kyle, who saved a seat for him a few rows down. Stan was sitting next to Kenny, and was glaring at Kyle- who was glaring back at Stan. Kids were talking hurriedly all around as the bus lurched forwards, either not noticing or not caring about Cartman's return. Just as well, Cartman didn't recognise any of them anyways.

"Hi Cartman!" Clyde called from the back of the bus. Cartman turned in his seat.

"How're you doing, fatass?" Craig yelled.

"Ngh!" Tweek said.

"Cartman's out of the hospital?" said a black guy, who was sitting with the other three boys.

Cartman stared at the group at the back of the bus, both pissed off and curious. "Who the fudge is the black dude?" he asked Kyle, ignoring their greetings and questions.

"That's Token," Kyle said bluntly, looking over nervously from the window.

"Yeah, he's part of that group of four guys. You used to always call them Craig and those guys," Kenny said, smiling. "Like that time we all dressed up fruity and gay and we fought with them to see who was more gay."

"Yeah, you threw a rock at Token when we were younger and got arrested for a hate crime," Stan said.

Cartman groaned as his head began to throb again, and pinched the bridge of his nose as Kyle and Stan began yelling at each other.

This was going to be a long fucking day.

* * *

A/N: Rofl, ah the return of Ms. Crabtree. XD I hope you all enjoyed this chapter 'cause I sure liked writing it. 

Expect more chaos in the next exciting installment! 8D -shot-

Pleease review everyone :) I must know if I suck balls or not. XD


	6. School

A/N: Well, here you go. Cartman finally goes back to school and faces the problem head on. :D yey

Enjoy!

* * *

School

After making several more stops on the way to school, Ms. Crabtree came to a crude stop in front of a large building. Cartman gazed past his friends and stared at the front of the high school intently. Here goes nothing…

"…and then when the kid left the bus, a big black monster really _did_ come out of nowhere and ate him!" Stan said to Cartman, who proceeded to close his eyes and rub his temples.

"Stan, will you shut the fuck up already!" Kyle yelled. "Look at what you're doing to Cartman!"

Stan fumed at Kyle's protectiveness over his former torturer, and then smiled. "Man Kyle, I haven't seen you this pissed at me since I found Gorak, the frozen guy. Remember? And Cartman was pretending to be the Crocodile Hunter… you, know, before he actually died and stuff…"

Kyle's face was turning the shade of his hair. "His. Name. Was. STEVE!"

"Remember when Cartman and Mephisto and those other douches were chasing after him when he tried to get away on the train?" Stan continued.

Kenny frowned. "Where the hell was I for that part?"

Cartman was ready to puke. "Goddamnit you guys, I'm so seriously…"

"GET OFF THE FUCKING BUS!" Ms. Crabtree roared.

The four arguing boys jumped in their seats and looked around. Everyone else had gotten off the bus.

"NOW!" She screamed.

"Okay already! Goddamn!" Cartman yelled back at her, stumbling off the bus. Why did everyone have glass shoved up their asses today?

He stared hard at the front of the school while the others got off the bus. His eyes scanned over the flagpole, every step, every tree…

"Well, here we are dude!" Kenny said, putting an arm around Cartman. "Remember any of this wonderful place yet?"

Cartman blinked and stopped inspecting everything. It was giving him a weird feeling. "Not exactly… but it doesn't feel alien to me, either."

Kenny laughed. "God, I can't wait for you to get your old vocabulary back. You're talking all weird, like the time you got bucked off a bull at Cow Days and you thought you were a Vietnamese prostitute for a while," he said, winking at Stan.

Stan smiled. "Yeah, Kyle threw a snowball at the bulls nuts and it bucked you into the snow," he said.

"Aye!" Cartman said, looking at Kyle. "So you were the first person to ever give me head trauma? Thanks!"

Kyle almost grinned, rubbing the back of his neck. "Well, that was a long time ago…"

"Eric!!"

Cartman looked away from Kyle to see who called him by his first name.

"Hi Butters," Stan said to the effeminate blonde. He looked well groomed and had silky blonde hair past his shoulders. He was wearing tight blue jeans and a bright turquoise hoodie and an eyebrow ring like Stan… and a candy necklace? Was this guy gay?

"Hey, fellas!" Butters said, brushing a long strand of blonde hair out of his face. "Eric, I'm so happy to see you out of the hospital! I missed you!" he said, hugging Cartman.

Cartman was turning red. "Oh, um, wow. Thanks?" he said awkwardly.

Butters let go of Cartman to look him in the face. "How do you feel?"

"He has amnesia, Butters. He doesn't recognize you right now," Kyle said.

Butters frowned, pushing some hair behind his ear. "Aw, shucks! You don't remember me Eric?" he asked.

"Uh… not exactly," Cartman admitted to the disappointed blonde. "But, uh, I'm sure you're totally awesome," he added. And pretty enough to be a chick apparently.

Butters smiled. "Wow! You've never said that before!"

Stan rolled his eyes. "Yeah, tell me about it. You used to smear shit on his face and call it 'giving him a Hitler'" Stan said, who broke out laughing with Kenny.

Kyle almost smiled, but closed his eyes and regained his composure. He turned to Cartman who had a grossed out look on his face. "That's all in the past. Come on, I'll take you to your locker. You can come, _Butters_," he said, leering at Stan.

Stan crossed his arms as the three walked away. "Goddamn it! Just what the fuck is up with Kyle? I don't get him!"

Kenny watched them walk towards the school, and then looked up. "I'm curious…" he said, reaching down and picking up a pinecone.

Stan watched the blonde. "What're you doing?"

Kenny chucked the pinecone towards a crow in the tree.

-

"…and you can come over and my mom will make us your favorite dish, Eric!" Butters went on excitedly as girls waved at him cutely. He twirled a strand of hair around his finger. "You can come if you want, Kyle!"

Kyle just grinned and looked around the front of the school. This was the last place Cartman was himself at…

"Caaawh! Cah Cah!" a crow called from a nearby pine tree. Cartman stopped dead in his tracks, and stared at the tree, then down to the small clearing below it.

He blinked, mouth slightly gaping and clapped a hand over his eyes.

"_Or what, you'll throw a scone at me?"_

"_Goddamnit! Why does that supid fatass always get away with this crap! Where's…"_

Cartman swallowed hard and slowly removed his trembling hand from his face, staring as Kyle and Butters turned to him. His eyelids stung with tears when he looked at Kyle. That was definitely his voice… he called him fat…

Kyle's face quickly flooded with concern. "Cartman? Are you alright?"

Cartman took a deep breath and took a few shaky steps forwards. He had to keep his composure. He decided he had to stay strong, today. He _would_ go back to the way he was. He was going to get his life back.

---

"…and of course, when you multiply this by the number of…"

Cartman groaned and twirled a pencil in his fingers. He was pretty sure he hated Math this much even before he got amnesia. He wondered how Butters and Kyle were doing in their advanced Math class.

"Hey Cartman, what would you say if I said that chick was my girlfriend?" Clyde asked him to his left. The brunette pointed at an attractive blonde a few rows ahead, grinning.

Cartman shrugged. "I'd say good for you." Clyde was pretty easy to figure out. He loved women. He was almost like Kenny, but Kenny seemed to flirt with every living thing around him. Cartman smiled and recalled the Goth kid that kicked him in the leg when Kenny hit on him the day he got out of the hospital. Finally a good memory he can recall… it felt awesome.

Craig, who was sitting to Cartman's right, rolled his eyes. "He has a crush on her," he said, bringing Cartman out of his thoughts. "Her name's Bebe."

"Mr. Nommel! Would you like to answer question 22 on the board?" the old teacher asked, scratching his balding head.

Craig flipped him off, gaining a long laugh from Cartman. This kid had such an attitude!

"That's it, Nommel! Go to the office!"

"Gladly," Craig said, standing up. "See you assholes at lunch," he said, picking up his empty-looking backpack and leaving the room.

"That kid is so funny!" Cartman said, still smiling.

"Well duh, of course you'd say that. You guys are both stupid and arrogant," Clyde said, laying his head down on his desk.

Cartman set an elbow on his desk and rested his head on his fist. "Is that so?" He was kinda glad Kyle wasn't around for this class, he decided. Kyle was really nice, but it was almost like he didn't want him to remember his life for some reason. He kept cutting people off when they went too in depth of how Cartman used to be. It's not like he wouldn't be his friend anymore or something when he returned to normal! "What time is lunch?"

Clyde snickered. "I was just waiting for you to ask that," he said, sitting upright again. "It's in like, ten minutes. You, me, and the other guys always eat lunch together, somewhere around the school. The cafeteria, outside, by the lockers, wherever the women are," he said, winking and nudging Cartman.

Cartman raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Riiightt…"

"You and me'll get some food and go find them when the bell rings," he said, ruffling his bangs.

Cartman looked at the clock eagerly. Maybe something would trigger his memory at lunch.

---

"Now, where the hell are those assholes…" Clyde said, wandering through the halls with fries in his hand and Cartman following him.

Cartman looked at each person in the hallway, trying to remember something about anyone.

"Hey dudes!"

Cartman turned around and smiled. "Hey Kahl!"

Kyle grinned back, which made Clyde raise an eyebrow at the two. "Wow, you guys are sure friendly today."

"Where are you guys going?" Kyle asked, ignoring Clyde's remark.

"We were looking for you and the guys, I think," Cartman said.

"Well we're all sitting in the cafeteria. I came to look for you and make sure you were okay," Kyle said, gesturing for the two to follow him. He wanted so badly for Cartman to remain a decent human being. The absence of Jew jokes was really nice, too. "So how was Math?" he asked as they made their way.

"Boring," Cartman said, adjusting his brown jacket.

"Like usual," Clyde said.

"Wow, you guys sure sound like a couple of intellects," Kyle said, walking through a cafeteria entrance.

"The fact that you would even say something lame like that makes you a dork, Kyle," Clyde said.

Kyle grinned. "Fuck you, Clyde."

Cartman looked around at all the faces in the cafeteria. He wished so badly he could remember someone. His eyes landed on yet another blonde kid, wearing a poofy brown hat. Now _that_ was dorky!

He couldn't help but notice the kid next to the blonde. He stuck out like a sore thumb, with the pure black attire and jet black hair. The kid turned and looked right at Cartman, widened his eyes, and quickly turned around again.

Cartman squinted at the dark looking teen. What was that about?

"Sit down already, fatass!" Kenny yelled, craning his head back and waving his hair from side to side.

"Ngh! don't do that, Kenny!" Tweek said, shaking and leaning away from the boy. "You're freaking me out!"

Craig raised an eyebrow at the two blondes, while resting his head on his interlocked fingers. "You both need help."

Cartman sat down next to Craig and finally opened his Coke he'd been carrying around. After taking a long sip, he sighed with contentment and looked around yet again. There was some kind of numb comfort and recognition of the whole place, but it was like a brick wall was preventing Cartman from really accessing it. He felt like he was slowly breaking the bricks away, though.

"Stan, did you eat some of my salad while I was gone?" Kyle asked disdainfully.

"Why the hell would I eat your salad?" he asked boredly. Kyle shrugged.

"Well jeez, come on. You're being almost as annoying as… you know; those retarded yellow things we found in Starks Pond that one time…"

"The Jakovasaurs?" Kenny said, waving to a girl.

"Yes!" Stan said. "Well, we all found them annoying," Stan went on, talking directly to Cartman now. "You thought they were hilarious though, Cartman."

Cartman raised an eyebrow to him. "That's kewl…" Stan frowned and stabbed his macaroni and cheese. Cartman was boring the way he was… and he was stealing away his best friend! He looked up sadly from his lunch and stared at the stressed out Jew in front of him.

Cartman sighed in response to Stan's silence. He needed to find a faster way to get his memory back. Stan and Kyle were fighting, which Cartman didn't want. He liked those guys. And worst of all, he couldn't enjoy any of his friends casual talk because he wasn't himself. He was a no one right now. Maybe if he went to the root of the problem… the kid who put him in a coma in the first place. Who did Kenny say it was? Devin? Dan?...

"Do it! Please!"

"Oh, all right! Just hang on!"

Craig looked up and past Cartman. "Uh oh…"

The rest of the guys looked up as Cartman still had his head down, lost in thought. Darwin? No, that's retarded…

"Cartman?" came a high pitched voice. Cartman's eyes focused as the voice clicked in his mind, like a key opening a door. He looked up into the dark eyes of the kid he saw earlier.

Cartman stood up and slammed his bottle of Coke into the table.

"_Damien!_"

* * *

A/N: dun DUN **DUN.**

I sure made Butters sound like a homo in this chapter, didn't I? XD

Review, guys :3


	7. The Return of Cartman

A/N: So here's the angsty-ish last chapter. Yep, and I hope you like it XD

I also dedicate this chapter to Ms. Elbow, because she's awsome. 8)

Enjoy, guys!

* * *

The Return of Cartman

Damien jumped back at Cartman's sudden action.

"Eric, calm your nerves!" he said, looking over at Pip, who was standing nearby and looking down. "I came over to… apologize for what I did. I never meant so much harm done to you."

Cartman glared at him. "Never meant so much harm? You shot a rock at my head!" he fumed. "You gave me amnesia you stupid _dilhole!_" he yelled in his pissed off tone.

"Dude!" Stan said.

Kyle stood up. "Cartman? You remember him?" he asked in a frantic tone.

Cartman slowly looked over at Kyle, then around the table at all his friends. The balloon in his mind finally exploded.

Cartman suddenly grabbed Pips hat and smacked him roughly in the face with it. "If you _ever_ get your fucking boyfriend to do that again, I'm going to turn you into fucking lunchmeat!" Cartman raged, quickly running out of the cafeteria and into the crowded hall. He felt his eyes well up and a few tears drop as he ran through the halls. He didn't care who saw. The feeling of his old personality and his current one colliding was like throwing a lit cigarette into a puddle of gasoline.

Cartman finally reached the back doors of the school and ran into them, hastily pushing them open and collapsing under a nearby tree.

"Nnnnooo…" Cartman murmured painfully. He curled up against the tree and clenched his brown hair. After a moment of calm, he lifted his tear-stained face to the doors he ran out of seconds ago. Kyle... This feeling was so overwhelming and all he wanted to do was say he's sorry to Kyle for everything.

---

"_Cartman!_ Cartmaaan!" Kyle yelled desperately into the hallway.

"Kyle, Cartman obviously needs to be alone! Just let him for a while!" Stan said gingerly, running up to his friend in the cafeteria doorframe.

"No!" Kyle said, his voice cracking. "He was finally being a _friend_ to me! And he wasn't faking or anything!" he cried as Kenny walked up behind Stan. "There were no lies or anything hidden behind the kindness for once, he was just my friend. I finally had three best friends instead of two best friends and a rival!" Kyle finished, leaving Stan and Kenny as he dashed down the hall.

Stan's mouth was gaping as he watched him run away. He blinked several times and looked to the floor. "Kyle… you should have told me…"

Kenny copied Stan and looked to the floor, sighing. "I never knew Kyle felt so strongly about Cartman's old personality…"

Stan looked up at where the Jew ran off. "I'm sorry."

---

Kyle searched the halls frantically, asking kids he knew here and there if they saw Cartman. Finally he reached the back doors, pushing them open forcefully and looked around. He saw his disoriented friend sobbing under a tree a few yards away.

"Oh Jesus, Cartman!" Kyle yelled, running over to the brunette and coming to his knees. "Cartman? Are you… talk to me!"

Cartman stopped crying for a moment and looked Kyle right in the eyes. "I'm glad you followed me, Kahl."

"Cartman…" Kyle started, having no idea what to say. He didn't even know which Cartman this was.

The brunette stared straight ahead into the schools field, as the breeze blew through the bare trees and blended the clouds together. He felt like the last few days had entirely been a dream, and just as most dreams do, it was quickly rushing away and being replaced with his real life once again.

But again, like most dreams, Cartman was trying to hold onto it as long as possible. "I can't thank you enough for how nice you've been these last few days…" Cartman said, still staring into the field. "I just needed to say, before I totally lose it, that I'm… sorry for everything I've ever done to you."

Kyle let a tear fall silently down his face while he watched Cartman's serene, kind personality struggle to communicate with him. He knew deep down though, that these were Cartman's real words… somehow…

Cartman stored this moment away somewhere in his mind. The clouds, the breeze, and his _friend_, next to him and genuinely concerned. He closed his eyes, forgetting that Kyle was there… forgetting he was outside. He blocked out all sound as he felt he head pound and the dream evaporate entirely.

Kyle tilted his head and felt a twinge of panic. Cartman didn't look like he was crying anymore… he didn't even look like he was breathing. "Oh, fuck, Cartman? Are you okay?" Kyle asked, hovering a hand near the boys shoulder, afraid to even touch him.

Cartman opened his eyes suddenly and gasped. He looked over and jumped when he noticed the Jew's outstretched hand. "Augh! Oh, Goddamn Kahl! You scared the shit out of me!" he said, standing up and staring around, bewildered. "Where the fudge are we, Jew?"

Kyle looked at Cartman in disbelief and then to the spot his friend was just sitting.

Cartman furrowed his brow, but nodded when he saw the back of the school. "Oh, yeah. We're at school," he said, putting his hands in his pockets. He looked from the school to Kyle. "God, I must have been totally out of it the last few days. I think we hung out more then we ever have before, haven't we?"

Kyle swallowed and looked up at his friend. "Yeah, we sure did," he said, standing up. "So... you remember what happened to you?"

Cartman started walking towards the school. "Duh. I had amnesia. That or I was delusional, judging by the last few days," he turned around, staring at the flustered red-head. "Everything from when I woke up in the hospital until now has been such a fudged up mess… I feel like it was all a dream!" he said, looking up at a crow cawing in the tree his was just standing under.

Kyle sighed and warily walked over to Cartman. "Yeah, I feel a bit like that too…" he ventured.

"You don't have to be a pussy and agree with me just because I was screwed up, Kahl," Cartman said as the two walked towards the school. He looked at Kyle, who rolled his eyes at the comment. "But I think I'll store it all away as a good dream," he added, smiling.

Kyle turned and blinked at Cartman, and smiled back.

Cartman laughed. "God, you really do look like a homo when you smile" he said, running up and opening the door. "No wonder you and Stan are so in love with each other."

Kyle glared and smirked at Cartman as he walked through the open door. "Well at least we'll be happily married in Canada and you'll be left here alone with your stupid dolls" he said.

"Aye, you buttfucker!" Cartman retorted, following the Jew.

---

Stan paced in front of the lunch table impatiently. "Damn it, where are those guys? Lunch is almost over!"

"Oh, God!" Tweek said, playing with his empty coffee cup. "I don't know if I want Cartman back! It was –ngh- so peaceful before!"

Kenny frowned at the twitching teen. "But it's Cartman! We need him back! It wouldn't be right if he was gone."

"Yeah, I miss the fat fuck to be honest," Craig said.

Stan ignored them and continued pacing. It wasn't Cartman he was worried about at all, it was Kyle.

"You son of a bitch! You knew I would want to eat all my chocolate guns when I remembered everything again and you ate like, half of them?"

The guys all looked towards the cafeteria doorway, when Cartman and Kyle were returning.

"You told me you didn't want them!" Kyle protested.

"You owe me six chocolate guns, you cheap Jew!"

"I'm not cheap asshole!"

"Woah woah woah!" Stan said, throwing his hands into the air. "Cartman?! You're back?"

Cartman raised an eyebrow. "Yes I'm back, pansy. I was only gone for like, ten minutes."

Kenny's face lit up and he smiled as widely as he could. "CARTMAN!" he yelled, tackling the large teen in a hug.

Cartman furrowed his brow and tried to pry Kenny off. "Gawd, Kenny! Get the hell off me!"

Kyle gave a half hearted smile at his two friends and turned his attention to Stan, who was staring back, frowning.

Kyle lowered his head and walked over. "Stan, I'm really sorry for how I've acted the last few days," he apologized.

Stan sighed and put his hand on Kyle's shoulder. "Dude, don't even worry about it," he said, smiling. "Are we still super best friends?"

Kyle smiled. "Of course."

"Oh, get a room you faggots!" Cartman said. "Where the hell is Damien, Ken? I need to teach him how a _man_ throws a rock."

Kenny continued smiling. "Over here, fatass," he said, guiding him away from the table.

Cartman started to follow, but then stopped and looked back at the table, where Kyle and Stan had sat down once again.

Kyle raised his eyebrows. "What is it, Cartman?"

Cartman had a disgusted look on his face. "I must have been really out of it," he said, staring at Butters as he bopped to music on his iPod, oblivious to everything. "I thought that Butters was _pretty_."

* * *

A/N: Sorry if this chapter seemed kinda rushed... or weird... XD but I was sleep deprived when I wrote it. As I am now. 

anyways I hope that everyone who read enjoyed the story :3

and thank you sooo much to everyone who reviewed! Many hearts for yewww

Might I add that I'll take some story requests from anyone who wants one? because I lack good ideas. XD so tell meeeee

Byes!


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